While diving for Lobsters Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman) comes across a shark tooth stuck in fibre-optic cable that’s been freshly laid by a communications company. Ben takes it home and takes a photo of it while holding the tooth in his hand. Then without connecting his camera to his computer automatically uploads it to Marine net (which claims to be a website “for shark lovers”) at which point a picture pops up on screen of the tooth without Ben’s fingers holding it and without a background (take that CSI ). Cat Stone (Jenny McShane) comes to talk to ben about his discovery, being a marine biologist she automatically can tell it’s a Megalodon! A massive pre-historic shark! How big is a Megalodon? Well think of a really big shark, WELL IT’S EVEN BIGGER THAN THAT! That’s why it’s called a MEGA!-lodon! Oh and the Megalodon can roar like a Lion for no apparent reason.
Cat and Ben set off on a mission to bring this enormous Shark to Justice. Meanwhile he owners of the Fibre-optic cables, APEX communications, have a problem as the sharks are attracted to the electromagnetic field they emit (don’t question it just accept it and move on with your life). They try to cover it up in order to protect company profits. I’m not sure how they intend to continue with making money when their network of cable is constantly being eaten by sharks, but I’m not a businessman. Mr Tolley (the owner of APEX) won’t let anything get in his way of all that delicious money! Ben’s friend and employee of APEX, Chuck Rampant (That’s his name! Awesome!), discovers Tolley’s cover up and swears revenge.
The climax takes place on a Yacht with the company investors of APEX all on board (Great idea with those massive f**king sharks around). The inevitable happens and people get swallowed whole with hilarious results. Mr Tolley’s gets his comeuppance when he drives straight into the gaping jaws of a Megalodon on a Jet-ski taking no preventative action to avoid it. Ben and Chuck Rampant (I wish I was called Chuck Rampant) try to fight the Megalodon in a sub marine with a spare torpedo Chuck just has lying around. Eventually Ben puts the Sub on auto pilot to drive into the shark’s mouth before casually swimming out of the sub and detonating it. Tale as old as time…
Right from the off Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is full of clunky dialogue and character just laughing at end of each other’s sentences, regardless of weather they ended with a Joke. Barrowman and his co-star Jenny McShane have less romantic chemistry then Bert and Ernie in Sesame Street. In fact there she often seems to have the expression of someone who has just done a fart in a lift whenever Barrowman is around. That is until this happens….
Yeah that’s right! The ladies love vulgar pick-up lines like that. Go try it yourself!
Believe it or not (well believe it as it’s true) that line wasn’t in the script but rather adlibbed by Barrowman. At this point the director probably felt like driving a jet-ski into a Megalodon’s mouth himself so just kept it in. Also now you will know how hard I have to try and resist saying the line when someone announces “I’m really tired”.
I would like to think that the film gave Barrowman great life experience with coming face to face with dead-eyed soulless monstrosities. This explains why he is able to be on talent shows with Andrew Lloyd-Webber. Sadly the middle of the film drags a bit when it goes from being bad-funny to just bad but the ending more than makes up for it. Oh and want to see the best ending line to a film ever?